"Good" Grief

May 11, 2018

My family and I recently returned from Peru. A trip we planned over a year ago, actually a trip that has been in the works for years. Daryl served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints there from 1981-1983. He was able to visit Machu Picchu at least a half a dozen times while he was there.

We were able to celebrate Daryls 50th birthday together roaming around the same streets and areas he had been as a young missionary 31 years earlier. I remember him saying, "If you think the Wasatch mountains are magnificent and beautiful wait until you see the Andes." He was right! We took a train from Cusco to Machu Picchu, along the way we saw people hiking and I was so jealous, I wished we had done that. We talked about coming back with our family one day and doing that hike. We were going to return when all of our girls were married. The perfect 10 in Peru hiking to Machu Picchu that's what I envisioned! I called us the perfect 10 because we were 5 couples who really enjoyed spending time together, laughing, hanging out, doing hard things and creating great memories. In spite of our age difference from them, Daryl and I never felt like the 5 wheel. When Daryl transitioned from this life into the next, that dream was crushed until Erika and Natasha came to me and said "you know Dad would want us to do this....we've already bought your ticket and we want to go on the the first anniversary of his death. (Wow, I have the most incredible family!) We knew this would be a bittersweet trip but we still wanted to go and we wanted our focus to be on Daryl. A trip to honor, remember and to grieve together.

Daryl and Karla -Machu Picchu August 15, 2012

A couple of months ago I had someone ask me if my girls and I were done grieving. I said no. I have learned over the last year that not only is grief a journey but it becomes part of who you are. "your new normal" as Laura Branigan said "Grief is something you never really get over, but you put it in a place inside of you and deal with it in the way you have to." We had to go to Peru and we had to hike to Machu Picchu. We decided to take the Salkantay trail which is 53 miles, 5 days, 4 nights. Hey, why not? We can do hard things. I recently read this.... "Some losses are shrugged off without much thought or acknowledgment-others are managed, navigated and quickly set aside, but others are so big we can't ignore them. They lay us on the floor with sorrow, and the grieving process takes hold of us completely. Grief is a four letter word... HARD, but you've proven through these last months you are capable of withstanding the aches and pains"

Day 2-Top of Salkantay Pass- 15,000 feet elevation - Strong Norton Women

We were advised to stay in Cusco at least two days to acclimatize to the altitude which is a little over 11,000 feet in Cusco and we would be going up higher. Lots of emotions came up just being in some of Daryl's favorite places with all of us together. The night before we left to start our hike to Machu Picchu we were eating dinner, as I observed my family having such a good time together, I had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for them followed by the all too familiar heart ache of missing Daryl. It's okay because it's always a good reminder of my love for him. Grief has a way of sneaking up on you without any warning. William Faulkner said "Between grief and nothing, I will take grief" I agree, there is a healing power that is only provided through tears. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. Alexa was to my right and she noticed and reached under the table to squeeze my hand which was very sweet. One by one each of my girls noticed what was going on, Erika was at the other end of the table and asked if I was ok and I said yeah, I'm happy and sad just missing Dad. We were all in tears. I talked about how happy Daryl would be with us, to have his family all together, to listen to Natasha speak Spanish, to share this great food together, to walk the streets of Cusco where he had walked at different times in his life, and talk with the people and hear about his experiences. To feel such great love and connection together. There is an extra depth and complexity to grief when you have lost someone so close to you. This trip was also going to be quite healing. This experience was going to be good.

Getting our steps in before the hike- 300 or so to the Cristo Balnco

Cristo Blanco overlooking Cusco - The healer of the world

Sacsayhuaman

Plaza De Armas - Cusco

On Monday May 7th we left Cusco at 4:30am with our guide Fredy and drove for about three hours to stop for breakfast and then went a little further to start our hike. The first day was a short day only about 4 miles to camp. We were able to take a couple of hours to relax before we hiked to the beautiful Humantay lake.

Salkantay Sky Domes

Beautiful Humantay Lake

We all knew that day 2 was going to be our hardest day with the most elevation gain as well as a long day of about 14 miles. Our wake up time was 4:50am with a knock at the sky dome door and a nice hot cup of mate de coca (coca tea) so nice to warm you up and help with altitude. I had a hard time sleeping due to excitement, anticipation for the hard day ahead and missing Daryl. My prayer that night was centered on being able to feel Daryl's influence and later that night I was impressed to put all of my clothes that I had layed out for the next day in my warm sleeping bag that had a liner in it. I just don't think that way. (Daryl does) It was a nice reminder of how much I am loved. It was really cold that morning so it was nice to put on warm clothes. When we reached the Salkantay pass at15,000 feet elevation we stoped for lunch, a much needed break. There were rock monuments all around us. Fredy talked to us about them, He had us each get a rock and we too were going to build a monument to represent our group which consisted of the 9 nine of us. You can have up to 12 people in a group. As I was looking for my rock I wanted to get an extra one to represent Daryl and then I had an impression not to. I thought that was kind of strange but I decided to go with my impression. Before we piled up our rocks, we were asked to squeeze them as hard as we could, symbolic of squeezing any negative energy into the rock for it was going to stay there, no longer a part of us. He told us, "you have just finished the most challenging part of the hike, sometimes life will be hard and challenging, guys, you will lose loved ones throughout life. This is it, this life is the time to make sure that our relationships are strong and we are forgiving and loving because when this life is over thats it." I glanced over at my family as MacKenzie was glancing over at me. (tears) It was an emotional moment for us when Fredy talked to us but I have a different belief. I am comforted in the belief that we will see our loved ones again. However, my impression made sense to me. Daryl is done being tested and going through hard, challenging times. He is at peace and most likely thriving and... with us! I was reminded of Eckhart Tolle's book Gateways to Now. He talks about shedding our mind-based sense of self, entering into the portals of the eternal present, and living vividly in the present moment, something Daryl was working on. He would say "win the day". Living in the present moment is something we can now we can working on to honor his life.

Start of Day 2 - 6AM -

Fredy Zapata our amazing guide teaching us about life, love, and forgiveness

Andean Huts Day 2

On day 3 at one point of our hike I was walking along with Fredy talking and he asked, "No sons? just all daughters?" I told him all daughters, sons in law now so I feel like I have sons! He said, "your husband must be so proud!" I started to cry and replied, he is. Fredy apologized for stirring up so much emotion and I told him it's okay and I told him our story. He felt terrible. I thanked him for teaching us about the rock monument and told him how touching it was to us especially with what we have been through this last year. I explained to him I believe that I will see Daryl again. At that point I asked, Fredy, do you believe in an afterlife? He said "Let me tell you something, "I believe that there is a God, and a Savior Jesus Christ and no matter what religion you are or country you live in we are all His children." We had a nice conversation about Daryl's spirit living on and being with us.

If you have a chance to hike the Salkantay trail - I would highly recommend www.salkantaytrekking.com as your company and Fredy Zapata as your guide.

Day 3 Jungle Domes

On day 4 we started the day in the clouds and descended down for a long walk along the railroad tracks. You have an option at this point of taking the train and we all laughed that Daryl would have said, see ya I'm taking the train! It does get pretty monotonous, mostly because up until this point there has been so much to see and experience. It was nice to finally arrive in Aguas Calientes to rest up for Machu Picchu the next day.

Another life lesson from Fredy our guide who has a gift of connecting with people and from day one, our breaks came at the best time. He would stop us and teach us about a plant we came upon that medicinal qualities.

Day 4- exploring the rainforest- you need to be prepared for all kinds of climate on this hike. All in one day we experienced fog, rain, cold temperature of 32 degrees, rain to hot temperature of 87 degrees and very humid. Be prepared for the unexpected, kind of like life!

Day 5 Machu Picchu!! A great connection to Daryl at a beautiful creation in this world.

This is my son in law Kenneth-he writes beautiful haiku poems. This picture inspired me to give it a shot....
The end of the trail
Mystical view from above
Awe-inspiring