Competing and Connecting

In the beginning of our marriage Daryl and I use to play backgammon and chess together, always at my request. He had a beautiful hand carved chess game from Bolivia which I thought we should put it to good use.  I saw playing games as a "fun" way to connect. Daryl didn't play games for fun, he  had one goal in mind, to win! I learned long ago not to sit by him in the family Uno game at the cabin, or maybe he knew not to sit by me.  I don't know why I thought I could beat him at anything! He was so smart, naturally talented and... very competitive! He studied the board and like the advice for the instructor in the movie Searching for Bobby Fisher, Ben Kingsley's character tells the young boy "Look deep Josh, it's there, it's 12 moves away, but it's there." Daryl too could see the moves, so playing for fun made no sense to him. He would say to me, "are you sure you want to make that your move?" Many times I thought that was part of his strategy to intimidate me because I did have a good move. I was wrong because he would win and I would get frustrated. One time after I got upset he said, " I don't think we should play anymore, it's not good for our relationship." I responded back, You know, it wouldn't hurt you if you let me win once in a while. I was expecting him to thank me for the very insightful tip I just gave him about marriage. Instead he got really quite, looking down deep in thought. There were times when Daryl gave a quick response back, sometimes a flippant response but there were many times when he would get quiet and thoughtful. He would take his time to respond. When this would happen, I would wait and stare at him what seemed like several minutes but it was only several seconds. Still, in that space of time I would think, seriously.. how hard is it to apologize, you know you're wrong!  He looked at me and said, "If I let you win, you would stop trying." The advice was impactful. However, I couldn't help but respond back with what I knew was going to be a little risky but worth it because that is the kind of relationship the girls and I had with Daryl. We all loved to use his logic against him. Very good advice, but you were about to put an end to it all by telling me we shouldn't play anymore, as in ever. Once again, silence from Daryl with eyes focused down in deep thought for a moment, when he looked back up at me he said "touché".  It made me laugh, I know that took him by surprise because he wasn't trying to be funny and I couldn't help but say, what are we fencing now? He said, "sometimes, I feel like that with you." It was a fun part of our relationship. There is an energy found within good healthy competition.

On one anniversary Daryl surprised me with mountains bikes for us. We had a lot of fun riding up and around Millcreek Canyon and around the lake at his parents cabin in Idaho. One year we rode in the Snowbird hill climb together, this time it was Daryl's idea. This race is 10 miles with a 3500 feet elevation gain up little cottonwood canyon. I don't think Daryl realized how conditioned I was from teaching spinning classes so I beat him! I really couldn't believe it! I also couldn't believe that we did it on mountain bikes! He was very excited for me though. It was nice to feel his complete genuine happiness for my win. When the next year rolled about and a few months before the hill climb he mentioned doing it again. I agreed and noticed he immediately started training. He really hadn't done very much training the year before so I knew he was serious about doing better. I started to increase my training as well but I also knew I had a slight advantage because this year I had a road bike. It was so light weight compared to my mountain bike, hill climbing was so much easier. The day of the race he took off and so did I but there was no way I could keep up with him. I thought, good for you, this is your year! About three or four miles into the ride the sun was casting a shadow on the road in such a way that all I could see were silhouettes of the riders, one of them was weaving back and forth along the hill. I remember feeling bad for the struggling cyclist. As I got closer out of the direct sunlight I saw the struggling cyclist was Daryl! Hey, are you alright? He told me no, and that he must have pulled a muscle. I recommended he take a stretch break and walk a little. He said he wanted to push through it and keep going. I asked him if he wanted me to stay with him and he said no, I should keep going, so I said okay, see ya! and took off. The only reason I beat him that year too.

I never knew how competitive I was until I married Daryl. He really brought that out in me, which I am grateful for. I need that now in my life. We had a lot of fun with our family too. We looked forward to family getaways with games, lip sync battles against couples, outdoor adventures, 5K runs, which Daryl absolutely hated running but he did it for us. Yes, there is an energy found in good healthy competition that connects us and adds joy to our relationships.

Mona, UT.  June 2015 5K Lavender Run     

Family getaway- Jan. 2015 Bear Lake,  UT. missing Alexa, she was on her mission in Everett.WA- 

Family game night in Bear Lake - Dan and Daryl