The Longest Night

According to WikipediaA the winter solstice occurs when one of the Earth's poles has it's maximum tilt away from the Sun. The winter solstice is the day with the shortest period of daylight and the longest night of the year.

Photo Credit-Dan Clayton

I have always looked forward to winter solstice because it represents longer days are on there way! Spring is just around the corner, new life with flowers blooming and birds singing. Now, it is very symbolic of the longest night representing our tough stuff we all go through in this life or in the words of Eckhart Tolle this "earth school" we all take part in. I had experienced a few "longest nights" as we all do but nothing quite like the night of May 3rd 2017 which has now moved to the to the top of my longest night list.

On December 18th 2019, I attended a group meditation event with my daughter MacKenzie where the instructor talked about the upcoming winter solstice and the word darkness. We were asked to share words that are synonymous. Words like lonely, fear, depression, uncertainty, sadness and void were mentioned. I believe all of those words describe grief too. May 3rd 2017 was the beginning of my grief journey. However, I had already started on that journey with the passing of my Dad on January 15th 2013 and my Mom on March 6th 2016. Daryl had been my north star through those days and weeks prior to and that followed. He had helped me with their care taking, comforted me and checked in with me constantly about how I was doing. My family knew that Christmas 2012 would be our last Christmas with my Dad as his health was rapidly declining. One night Daryl shared his view on death with me and he said, "when he does pass away, I believe it will be as if he walked in the next room. He will be that close."

We have had a tradition in my family on Christmas Eve to see the lights on Temple square. As we left my parents home that night I did not have a desire to go. I had finally accepted the reality that this was the last Christmas with my Dad and I was full of sadness. It was a bitter cold and windy night which only adding to my somber mood. The smile in the picture is not forced but very real as Daryl held me in his arms everything changed. I knew in spite of what was inevitable there was still so much to be grateful for and death is as much a part of life as living is.

Christmas Eve 2012

He told me on a few different occasions that he believed he would die long before me. I never liked it when he said that and I told him so. I asked him once why he felt that way. He said he had no idea why it was just a hunch. On the night of May 3rd 2017 I reflected on that conversation. He had been right about so many things in life, why couldn't he have been wrong about this? It was about midnight when my family left my house. Now it was just Alexa, my youngest daughter and I alone to face what was left of that longest night. I don't remember getting any sleep. My life had completely changed. That tangible gift of a hug from Daryl, something I took so for granted was gone. The conversations, advice, plans, dreams, all gone. My protector, teacher, friend, husband/lover, father of four incredible daughters and confidant gone. Now what?

I wanted so badly to have some kind of sign from Daryl that showed me he was around. We had many conversations about death and he knew my apprehension. Why couldn't I feel him? It was evident to me as the darkness set in my fear and loneliness was magnified. I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ because I know I felt His grace that night, not only that night and earlier that day driving down the canyon alone after receiving the most terrible news a spouse can receive.

The next day Alexa told me about a dream she had. This is the first of many that Alexa has had. With her permission I share it, from her words.

"I walked into our family room and saw my dad talking to my mom. He was telling her how beautiful she was and how pretty she looked. For a moment I thought oh good, it actually didn't happen, my dad is still here. I felt happy. Next, my mom was gone and I went to sit on the floor in front of my dad. At this point I realized I was in a dream and I quickly said to him, listen dad, you left us. You're gone and we don't know what to do. He looked at me with a smile on his face and said nope, you guys actually kind of left me. I'll see you guys soon. I grabbed his face as if I was going to say something else and I woke up."

I believe this dream was a gift granted to her by a loving Father in Heaven. She had prayed for a dream and received one. He is aware of every detail of our lives and is there for us.

Photo Credit -Dan Clayton

There is something about the dawning of a new day that brings some peace after a long night. I'm not saying that it came instantly but each day a little more peace was felt. It is the sun, the source of light and the Son, the source of light that makes all the difference. Because of Him we can live again, we can be together again! As Daryl said. "It's as if he walked into the next room." He is still around. Everywhere!